Article Navigation



www.celebbait.com

Redfoo Smash!... ed - & a message to his assailant

OH!-pinions
@ DAN-isms.com


Yeesh!  Not so sexy right now eh Fooey?
Soooo... I love this wide brown land of mine (though when that line is said without the context of the poem it came from, it may sound like I'm making Australia synonymous with a giant turd - not my intent)  but there are moments where I put my hands over my face and just go:

'Fuck... fellas?  Seriously?'  *wailing sounds*

Non-Readers: Burn it! Burn it with fire!

OH!-pinions
@ DAN-isms.com


"HEAAAATHTTTTAAAAAN! Thou shalt be smote by flames!"

There are few things in this world as upsetting as people who don't fucking read.  The world is filled with joy and wonder - no you moron, not the real world.  The real world is depressing and filled with angry judgey people.  But books are like magic! 

*Snorts handfuls of fictional fairy dust* Wheeeeeeeeee!

The following is a charming article with a series of true to form GIFS on reactions from 'readers' when they meet unbelievers *cough* sorry, the literary-challenged.

Guns don't kill people, er... stupidity does

OH!-pinions
@ DAN-isms.com

...And the lord did look unto the earth and did shaketh his head and say 'balls... I hath made some morons.'

So this video (video can be found here) is doing the rounds on the internet lately and it is a pretty good piece of evidence supporting why automatic and semi-automatic weapons should be banned everywhere.  I want to clarify that I live on acres on bushland and fend off foxes, snakes and the occassional persistent mormon so I am completely in favor of single shot rifles and the like.

If at first you don't succeed... become a writer!

OH!-pinions
@ DAN-isms.com



If at first you don't succeed... become a writer!  We're used to such dismal failure that it's an accepted industry norm.  Sit down, relax, you'll fit right in.  Because if you're going to suck at something, you may as well do it with friends.

Oh and here's an article from the New York Times to further enlighten you on the suckage of writers.  Enjoy!

Clack to Read Meh!...


KARDASHIANS FTL

OH!-pinions
@ DAN-isms.com

So last night on the MTV VMA's a moment of silence was held over the protests held in Ferguson related to the shooting of Michael Brown.

The Kardashians, in a picture perfect moment of everything that is wrong with this world, showed their respect by doing this:


I'm trying to figure out how the police are able to consistently shoot black guys, yet seem to consistently miss the members of this family...

The Rise and Fall of King Shit—A novel

Novel News
@ DAN-isms.com

...COMING 2017


Genre: comedy, drama


“A book written in the tradition of Charles Bukowski…”

A reverse take on the traditional 'boy meets girl' story.


“Are you sure you’re ready to do this?”
Ash twisted the base of his bourbon and coke glass thoughtfully.  It had been a long time coming, but the day was finally here. He’d found the one.  Nothing to do now but hang up his boot and spurs, nothing but one thing…
“No.”
Kai’s eyebrows crawled up into his scalp, ‘The wedding's in a week. If you’re having second thoughts—’
‘No, not that,’ he sighed.  Ash had no sons, limited friends and the world's most questionable legacy. But it was still a legacy, and legacy needed to be honoured.
‘Find me the biggest loser you can.  A good guy, but still the weakest example of a man you can track down and bring him here.’
Ash returned his gaze to his glass, smiling at his reflection in its edge. The king is dead, long live the king.


Synopsis: The Rise and Fall of King Shit
by Daniel Kroker


Ash, the resident man-whore of Brisbane and proprietor of King Corp, is at long last getting married.  Before he goes quietly into the night however he has one final mission; to take someone that’s nothing, and turn him into the most desirable bachelor in town.

The origin of the ‘DAN-ism’

OH!-pinions
@ DAN-isms.com

I don’t fit.

I have spent a lifetime as a square peg trying to get into every round hole I’ve ever come across (all puns intended). 

I was raised as a smart-mouthed-German-Jehovah’s-Witness (*gasp*) that looked like a Jew (or so I was repeatedly told), in a dirt-poor suburb filled with people that didn’t like smart-mouths, Germans, Jehovah’s Witnesses or Jews.  The queue to kick my ass was so long that half its members grew up and moved on before they got their turn to take a swing.

The dude on the left is clearly doing 'The Robot' way before it became popular.  German Engineering, even our dance moves are technologically advanced.
The odd thing is, I’m a white Aussie born in a nation of white Aussies, and yet somehow I managed to hit every ‘fuck you, you’re not one of us’ button that was available to me from the moment I bungie corded out my mother's lady parts.

**/WAVE.  'Hi Mom!' LOL - my mother's dead - LOLNOTLOL**

I get that I was different.  When your packed lunch is a knackwurst and everyone else has a vegemite sandwich, it can be hard to fit in.  But if the guy kicking your ass for being a ‘Nazi-boy’ is called ‘Malachevski’, it’s hard to understand why no one’s kicking his ass too.

After a while you stop trying to understand, you become fine with it, a little proud even of being the black sheep.  It’s part of your personal identity.

Fuck yo’ sheepiness peoples; I stand out in a crowd.  Bahhhhh bitches.

As an adult, I’m an educated Australian atheist that’s been punched in the nose so many times I look less like a Jew and more like Mr Potato Head (again, so I’ve been told).  Fewer people seem inclined to punch Mr Potato Head though, so I’m ok with that.

The journey to becoming synonymous with vegetables has helped me form a series of behaviours and opinions that you’re not allowed to have in polite circles.  This can be challenging.  I spend a great deal of time surrounded by incredibly lovely educated people, in these circles, ‘Educated Dan’ wears the ‘Educated Dan’ hat.  I discuss art, education, politics and gender issues.

Occasionally however, I trip on a DAN-ism. 

When a DAN-ism falls out of my mouth in these circles, it’s like watching a dog shit on the carpet in the middle of a cheese and wine tasting party.  Everyone stops, and there is this awkward silence as everyone tries to figure out how to appropriately react.

In my non-polite circles, DAN-isms are generally met with gales of laughter and an equal number of reciprocal '-isms' by everyone present.  However they have fallen out of my mouth with such regularity over such a long period of time, that it has become acceptable among my friends to call anyone's ism: a ‘DAN-ism’.

DAN-isms.com is where I let it all hang out.  It’s uncensored, rude, filled with TMI and will often promote socially unacceptable ideas and opinions.  I welcome all the people who don’t fit.  I hope some of my DAN-isms make you smile, or when not funny, make you emphatically nod in agreement.  If there is nowhere else in the world that you fit, then at least maybe here you can be surrounded by equally socially unacceptable misfits.  Who knows, maybe by the time you’re finished reading this, you’ll be able to contribute some '-isms' of your own.

Welcome all ye misfits.

The Dick Whisperer—A novel

Novel News
@ DAN-isms.com

...COMING Soon

Download Chapter 1

 Genre: comedy, drama




'Cute and funny.  Like Sex and the City meets Daria...'


My name is Sarah O’Reilly, and I can hear penises.’
There.  She’d said it.  Out loud.  Even as the words came out of her mouth she laughed at how ridiculous it sounded.  Under her breath she muttered, ‘What a shitty super power…’
She looked upwards as if speaking to a sovereign being and her voice took on exasperated tones, ‘Seriously?  You couldn't have given me something that I could fight crime with or maybe attempt world domination?’


Synopsis – The Dick Whisperer
by Daniel Kroker

Sarah O’Reilly has a secret; she can hear men’s sexual thoughts.  It’s an ability that is both her boon and burden.  As a sales advertising executive she has used her ability to fly up the corporate ladder as the golden child of ‘Adhere Enterprises’.  The phrase ‘sex sells’ means a little more when you hear exactly what one half of that equation is thinking, yet her dating life is a disaster.  Even when you don’t need a man, it’s still nice to have one—choosing one can be difficult if every man you speak to literally sounds like a dick.

Join Sarah as she struggles through a multitude of dating and professional catastrophes on a journey of self-discovery, as well as compassionate understanding of the biological dilemma faced by the opposite sex.


Cockblocked by Jesus—A novel

Genre: Comedy, Drama

Reads like the literary lovechild of ‘God hates us all’ and 
I suck at girls’…

People who like this book so far:

Click here to download a sample chapter of 'Cockblocked by Jesus'.

Would you prefer a signed or unsigned copy?
Unsigned paperbacks, ebooks and or kindle editions also available at:
www.createspace.com
www.smashwords.com
www.amazon.com
www.bookdepository.com

'I was wondering if you'd like me to suck your—”
The deck of cards I was carefully thumbing through flipped out of my hands across the table and into my lap, the half played game of solitaire crumbling under the onslaught of red and black on white.  I looked at the chaos spread on the flat surface of my girlfriend's dining room table—a million thoughts crashing into each other in a haphazard parody of those same playing cards.
My name is Daniel Kroker. I've just turned fifteen, and while my girlfriend and I have been dating a month, I have no plan for this scenario...
I struggled to think of something to say, a meaningful response to what ultimately should be every teenage boy's dream come true.  But I'm stuck, nothing comes out my mouth—my dick is slowly getting hard under the table, hogging all the resources required for rational thought. I will my penis to relinquish the blood it has requisitioned from my brain.
See, I'm a Christian, in a family of seriously devout Christians and every action that may end in any form of fun is largely put on hold until I can ask myself 'WWJD' (What Would Jesus Do?).  WWJD has neither helped with my popularity, my will to live, or my ongoing attempts at initiating a sex-life, but has successfully been ingrained into every decision I make—including this one.

Synopsis: Cockblocked by Jesus
by Daniel Kroker

Talon likes a girl but can’t talk to her.  Enter his father, Daniel, who recreates the story of a shallow, fast talking youth in the nineties that fell for the forbidden girl he couldn't be with, but must pursue.

Follow one teen's struggle to overcome bullies, boyfriends, angry exes, social obscurity, a complete lack of understanding of love and the opposite sex, as well as the growing divide between himself, home and a cockblocking Christian conscience.

Cockblocked by Jesus is an adult take on traditional teen romantic comedy that will make you laugh, and cry, as you root for the unlikely underdog.  Recommended for adults, it is a story that is relatable by anyone who struggled with overbearing parents, religion or unpopularity, while giving an uncomfortably honest insight into the mechanics of the teen male mind.

Some reader reviews of "Cockblocked by Jesus" on Amazon.com Click to enlarge.








What’s an ‘-ism’?

OH!-pinions
@ DAN-isms.com

An ‘-ism’ should never be confused with an ‘-asm’.   ‘-Asms’ tend to be appreciated by many (eg orgasms, pithy sarcasm etc) ‘-isms’ however, tend to appeal to a more select audience.

‘-Isms’ are odd repetitive behaviours, ideas and opinions performed or had by an individual.  We all have ‘-isms’ and they serve a vital function, they tell us how accepted we are, either generally in social circles, or around people that matter to us.

If your date notices your ‘-isms’ and still accepts you, it’s true love.

If an acquaintance notices your ‘isms’ and accept you, they’re bestie material.

If you family notices your ‘-isms’ and accepts you… it’s miraculous (cause no ‘-isms’ are more annoying than your family’s—AmIright?).


Do you have an ‘-ism’—Tell us in the comments below!

OK... but what's a DAN-ism...