Article Navigation

Why we should be grateful for Gabrielle Union nudes - Celebgate 2.0 commentary



I haven't thought about Gabrielle Union in a looooooong time.  I have no idea if her career is anywhere or if she's doing anything, but the woman is just-freaking-beautiful.  I am frighteningly white. Like if I take my shirt off in the dark, I could probably act as a light to guide you safely through the darkness. My DNA on some level is aware that in my ancestry, Germans and French people fucked each other way too may times and my genes need some god-damn color in the next few generations or we're going to breed children that instantly burst into flames in the face of the Australian sun.

*Child shoots out of vagina, sunlight hits the child - sounds of explosion is heard* "Nooooooooo-"

My firstborn son has blonde hair, blue eyes and Scottish skin... which in this country means he's pretty much destined to die of skin cancer.

My girlfriend is pretty much in the same camp and we're both trying to figure out how we could insert some Japanese or Indian or something into our children's DNA while remaining faithful and monogomous to each other (C'mon science! Get it together!).

Short version - I am a big fan of the colors of the rainbow when it comes to skin tone and Gabrielle Union, you are a nubian queen.

*Insert Yoda voice here*  To the point, you get, yes?

I'm grateful for Gabrielle Union nudes (aside from the obvious reasons) and handfuls of others because at least it means the hackerz aren't racist dicks.  That knowledge makes me all -

There's nothing like the internet cumming coming together in a show of racial solidarity, in the name of bewbs.

If anyone wonders why that is a lovely thing, the internet is an awful-fucking-hate-machine.  I mean troll the commentary of just about anywhere and you will feel the urge to get in a shower and scrub yourself of the evil afterwards (Out! Out! Damn spot!).

I love going to places like to see features like the Asian Equation or Black is Beautiful... but the shit you see in the commentary makes me want to napalm the planet.  WTF is wrong with people who can look at a beautiful human being and instead of thinking 'wow... you're amazing, I wish my DNA was anywhere near on par with yours' reaches for 'too bad about your colour...'

Your colour?
Your fucking colour?
Are you fucking kidding me?

My dad was a racist arsehole but in the most subtle of ways - I call it 'The European White Superiority Complex', and if you're from a middle European background you'll be used to bumping into it a lot.

My family had a lot of black friends (as black as it get's here in Australia anyway) Cook Islanders, Samoans (shout out to mah sulli's!), Papua New Guineans, Fijians, Maoris (choice eh bro!) etc and my dad would smile and laugh and get along with them famously.  We'd have dinner together, do family trips... and I remember saying to my dad, after one of my Cook Islander mate's left, that I would love to date his sister (but y'know, bro-code 'n all), and my dad looked at me and said, "you know all black people wish they were white..."

I was gobsmacked.

My dad genuinely loved these people, would have fought to the death for some of them... but thought that ultimately he was better because of the colour of his skin. Being a racist cunt is just so normal in middle European culture that banana's are still thrown onto the soccer pitch when someone of African descent takes a freaking corner.

I used to think the comments section of places like YouTube were bad, I do a lot of online gaming and the troll-talk of people is just unbelievable...

But nothing prepared me for the hate-cancer that is online message board forums. Fuck. Me.

So when people are massively invading the privacies of celebs distributing pics of black and asian celebs in these same message boards, and people are stepping all over each other in a genuine mad dash to see these pics, get these pics, share these pics, then spout a litany of things about how amazing and beautiful these women are...

How I imagine the behind the scenes of message board working, but with keyboards.
I shed a tiny tear.  It's like watching demon-gremlins hand each other flowers, then hug. In the worst kind of way, maybe this is a sign that there is hope for the the travesty that humanity has become.

*Hoists coffee cup*

Here's to you evil-yet-racism-free-trolls, here's to you.

No comments:

Post a Comment