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Renee ZellWegger: "Um...This is what a healthy 40+ woman actually looks like"



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So in awkwardly ironic news, the internet blew up over the last few days discussing the horror that is the radical change of Renee Zellwegger’s face.  Seriously, google it, every other celebrity and feminist blog is talking about this.

A series of writers pointed at what they felt was clearly a botched attempt at plastic surgery by Renee which of course fanned the flames of social outrage over our societal focus on female appearance, a focus that ‘clearly’ drove Renee and women just like her to butcher their faces in an attempt to stay relevant.

Except… according to Renee, this is just what a normal woman looks like when she ages gracefully…

I'm a child-rearing BATMAN!


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Right now, I’m walking on poop-smeared, vomit laden sunshine.  My MAN-gina is on overdrive, my effeminate feelings of nurturing so powerful that I’m an inch off snuggling strangers in the street and asking randoms if they need to be burped or changed.  …And it feels great!

I feel like my second child is vindication and validation for my partner’s life choices.  When she met me I was a mess.  I was getting divorced, I already had a kid, my friends and I went separate ways (except Mike—Hai Mike!), my dad died…  Short version, every person in their right mind—including me—said “this guy is an emotional train wreck with more baggage then sense… what are you doing getting involved with him?”

But six years later? I’m a godsend. 

I have a son, yes, I have a son

Welcome Castiel Alexander Kroker, your mother and I are delighted to have you join our family.
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I have a son. 
…and he looks—just—like—me.

Looking down at this tiny face that really is a mini-me-mirror elicits an unusual set of conflicting emotions.  I’m in love, yet afraid.

Any child of mine already has to deal with a surname that in English-speaking countries elicits endless “Kermit the Frog” and “Ribbit” jokes.  But having that face, my face…

A part of me desperately wants to apologise.

I look at my child and I think he’s beautiful, my partner looks at him and gushes in the kind of way that only a human who spent nine months crafting another human being can.  But I remember all the hurt that face inadvertently generated for me.

Everyone has days where they want to outlaw mirrors.  Personally I’ve learned to accept my appearance; I quite like the general shape of my head, my eye frame, and my jawline.  I’m ok with me.

But I can remember every time a person called me ugly like it just happened and I have heard every “big-nose” joke that you can possibly receive.

I think the best compliment I’ve received on my appearance was a woman calling me ‘charismatically hot’, which sounded in my head like ‘you can be charming, despite being handicapped by your face’.

I think of these things when I look at him and I feel like a lifetime of teasing is coming his way, and it’s entirely my fault.  Maybe if I’d shaken my hips differently at the point of orgasm or if I drank some secret tea before building my sperm deposit… maybe he’d look more like his mother.

I feel like I need to pre-emptively arm him with a barrage of rapier wit so cutting, that every person who looks at him sideways will feel the wrath of a thousand emotional paper cuts.
Or maybe he could learn Kung Fu.
I hear good things about Kung Fu.

As I think of the myriad different ways that someone might try to hurt my child I am comforted by another part of me that stirs at the site of his face.  It is a part that elicits a very raw, very primal thought process.  A process that says:

“This is my son. Where he goes, I follow...and if you look upon him, if you take in the blessed visage that makes his mother smile—speak, with, care."

"When you observe each of his perfect tiny features, know that he is loved, know that he is protected by a man that was raised with a belief that a father’s sole purpose in life is to defend those he loves.  Be aware that each phrase, each word, each syllable you utter will be filtered through the universal ‘guardian dad’ translator and if I don’t like what I hear… we’re going to go for a little walk…"

"…Because I have 10 acres of bushland, a shovel, and an open-minded sense of justice."

"And at the conclusion of that walk, after I have explained all the different ways in which you will be introduced to righteous vengeance, when you have been regaled with an imaginative and descriptive explanation of your impending horror, when you are adrift in an unbelievable, unimaginable and overwhelming sense of dread for what lies in store at the end of the journey, when you feel that things could not possibly get any worse... I will show you the true face of reckoning—"

"By introducing you to his mother.”

Iggy Azalea - Top 10 Iggy oddities

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Today I'd like to give a shoutout to a fellow Australian, Iggy Azalea.  She's an interesting sort because people tend to love her or hate her on principle.  I was reading about her recent throw down with Snoop Dog which devolved into what I call "Carpal Diem" - which is when you had every intention of "seizing the day" and being productive, but then the internet happened.

I personally am a big fan of her music but upon bumping into a series of "Did-ja-know" facts on Iggy, I thought they were so good that I should share them.



America: Please stop rewarding stupid people


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There was a period of time when I was a wee lad that we all wanted to be American.  The land of the brave, the land of the free—it was an exciting idea!  I grew up on John Wayne westerns and Clint Eastwood action flicks and in them you could feel the cry of “U-S-A, U-S-A” with every bullet, every line, every symbolic nod to the old stars and stripes.

Lately however, I cringe for each piece of unbelievable rubbish that passes for American news.

First suspected case of Ebola in Cairns, Australia

Sue-Ellen Kovack, suspected Australian Ebola patient
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A 57-year-old woman is under observation in Cairns hospital (that's North Queensland) after being suspected of having the Ebola virus.

Sue-Ellen Kovack spent a month working in Sierra Leone with Ebola victims and felt fine upon her return.

When Sue returned to Australia on the weekend she was healthy but by Tuesday placed herself into quarantine after developing a fever.

Her blood is being sent to Brisbane to be tested.

I have to say, this makes me nervous as hell - and not just because I'm a Brisbane resident.

Both Sue and the Spanish nurse were wearing special suits to protect them the entire time they worked with Ebola patients.  Neither of them can think of any way in which they may have been infected. The Spanish nurse 'thinks' she may have touched her face while taking her suit off, but isn't sure.  Everyone's reporting pretty strongly on the fact that she touched her face, because you know what the alternative is?

If both women did nothing wrong, if both wore their suits the whole time and still contracted Ebola... how safe are these suits?

And if it is suspected that the suits aren't safe and Ebola was to spread into the average population... how many medical personal would help anyone that was infected?  If no medical personnel wanted to assist, how long before the government's solution was just to 'eradicate' the problem?

Now I personally think the suits are fine, I'm sure that this is all just human error.  But it's a creepy thought when the blood for this is being tested at my front door.

We've had a case in Dallas, America (with a second suspected), in Spain, and now Australia.  A US Republican said that we should limit traffic from Ebola countries and everyone lost their mind.  I have to tell you... I don't follow American politics... but that guy is making an awful lot of sense to me.  The mortality rate for Ebola is 90% which doesn't compare to Bird Flu or Swine Flu yet we took precautions for that, why wouldn't we for this?  How bad do things need to get before we take action?

Authorities in the meantime released a statement saying everything is fine:

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-10-09/absolutely-no-risk-to-anyone-in-cairns-from/5802518

Is your penis your greatest social handicap?

How do you meet people you DON'T want to have sex with?
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Penises are the world’s greatest social handicap.

By the time you’re in your mid-thirties you better have all your friends sorted out because being approached by a guy you don’t know is received in the same light as a phone call from a telemarketer. 

When telemarketers call, unless you are specifically dying from cancer, and they are specifically selling the cure to cancer, your first reaction is to hand the phone to the closest four year old with the explanation that Santa is on the phone and wants to know what they want for Christmas  tell them to fuck off.

Selena Gomez! It's time to play the field.

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So I'm a gossipy bitch.

I like Selena Gomez (I listened to Birthday on repeat for like a week when it came out), but lately she reminds me of Bart Simpson.  You know that episode from The Simpsons where he keeps electrocuting himself on the gopher cage that Lisa puts out to test the intelligence of her pet gopher?  How many times is this girl going to get back together with Justin Bieber?  I'm pretty sure it's a publicity stunt each time but a small part of me sees pics of them together and goes... no, she's way into this guy and he has too many options at this stage of life to be monogamous.

If this is a publicity stunt, it's time to find a new angle because this one does not make you look good Selena.  People only feel sorry for the girl who get's ditched so many times before they go, 'Well... you knew what you were getting with this guy.'

She went to Paris a few days ago with the dick Biebs and everyone reported on 'Their romantic french get-a-way'
Awww... Wait. Does that look even a little bit romantic?
Except that Biebs ditched her and spent all his time with the Kardashians:

1 Milllllion Dollahs! *cough* Views, I mean views...

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Thank you everyone who helped us hit a million views a few weeks after opening our doors. Still 600,000 to go to beat The Governator but it's amazing to see so many people coming by and coming back.

Tell your friends about DAN-isms.com if you enjoy a Funneh or Oh!-pinion or two.

Ebola hits US. We're all going to freaking die!!!!


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The CDC has confirmed the first case of Ebola in the US at the Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas.  They have a patient in isolation because of his symptoms and travel history and there will be a CDC press release at 5:30PM ET (video statement in following link).

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-10-01/ebola-crisis-health-officials-confirm-first-case/5781066

...I feel the overwhelming urge to build a bunker with the bricks I just shat.

Will Magic Mike XXL flop? Or will it successfully promote equal objectification?

Community's Donald Glover joins the cast of Magic Mike XXL
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Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike
I like Magic Mike (MM), but I'm pretty sure it's about to suck. The 'soul' of this movie is what made the original so special, and I think that thing, it's essence, is about to be missing from the sequel.

A while ago the news came in that Matthew McConaughey isn't returning to MM because, y'know, he won an Oscar in the meantime and is now too cool to take off his clothes.  I personally think this is a scam markingeting ploy and that when there is a lull in MM news, it'll suddenly be announced that YES Matthew McConaaughey is in fact in the MM sequel.

Which is when people will lose their freaking minds, and that's the entire point of saying he's not in this.

The rest of the cast is back with the additions of Donald Glover, Elizabeth Banks, Michael  Strahan, Amber Heard, Andie MacDowell and Jada Pinket Smith.  It's the additions that make me wonder if this is about to take what was a unique and original movie and turn it into politically correct crud because that cast essentially reads like a script for equal representation and nothing else.

You can picture the execs sitting around, 'Hey do you think the last movie had enough black people or women in it... were there any?'