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America: Please stop rewarding stupid people


There was a period of time when I was a wee lad that we all wanted to be American.  The land of the brave, the land of the free—it was an exciting idea!  I grew up on John Wayne westerns and Clint Eastwood action flicks and in them you could feel the cry of “U-S-A, U-S-A” with every bullet, every line, every symbolic nod to the old stars and stripes.

Lately however, I cringe for each piece of unbelievable rubbish that passes for American news.

Between stories on Kim Kardashian’s ass, rhetoric from the bible-belt-of-America’s god-squad and Fox’s idiocracy on scandals like “Cupgate”… I just don’t want to hear anymore. I had recently reached a point where I thought that I had heard all of the dumbest things that America could possibly say or do.

Alas, I was wrong:

America, you have changed your international image from a great nation, to that of a sad old drunk guy at a frat party.  You know the one.  He’s that guy who used to mean something and now attempts to relive his glory days by falling on his ass doing failed keg stands, screaming “Murica”, and then making a pass through bleary eyes at a pot plant.

I want to be clear, I am not American—I’m Australian, and I do believe that dumb shit is universal.  I make no claims that Australia does not have its fair share of making the news as a result of just plain stupidity, I mean… have you seen Tony Abbot our democratically elected 'leader'?  Ignore for a moment that he admits he is not the "suppository of all knowledge", the fact that a majority voted him speaks volumes about our own nation's problems.  But we’re also not standing tall and proud, claiming to be the leaders of “The Free World”, while wearing the media perception equivalent of a ‘kick me’ sign.

There was a time where the American Dream was the chance to make something of yourself out of nothing.  But that success was built on hard work, vision, and dedication.  America is still about that dream, the idea that it is a nation of opportunity.  But now, it sues people—

For dumb shit.
Performed by dumber people.
And they’re winning…

The Australian legal system also has its flaws.  In Australia you can basically break a contract and giggle; I know, I’ve tried to sue someone.  My lawyers explained that the breach was clear, that in America we’d form a class action and retire rich on our millions.  But as we were in Australia, my cost to get in the courtroom would be $50k; and the most likely payout figure?  $120.

In America I can spill a coffee on myself and get rich, because apparently, it’s not obvious that coffee is hot.

Or sue a bank because I injured myself while stealing copper pipe from a house they foreclosed on.

…Or apparently believe that Red Bull has any benefits outside of being awesome when mixed with Jagermeister.

I’m struggling with this mentality because  I have yet to meet an American I didn’t like.  Every single one I’ve ever met has been kind or courteous, or failing that, outgoing and just funny as balls.  But clearly a section of the country has the IQ of a can of Bud Light—Extra, Extra Light.  So please… stop rewarding your nation's mentally challenged for performing actions that anyone with a lick of sense knows is ill-advised. 

Stop handing out prizes for participation.
Do not hand people honorary degrees.  Go back to letting people earn things; because right now you’re not promoting the American dream, you’re undermining it.

And the next time someone is too stupid to know that it’s a poor choice to put their penis on a saw bench, don’t listen when they say the saw didn’t specify not to do so.  Please don’t pay them when they sue.  Instead, merely thank them for removing their ability to breed, and move on.  Otherwise you are stopping nature’s ability to strengthen the herd by removing inferior members of the species.

Oh and please don’t ask us for advice on how to fix your legal system until the next election.  With our current leadership, it would just turn into a case of the blind leading the blind.

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