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DAN-isms.com
There was a period of time when I was a wee lad that we all
wanted to be American. The land of the
brave, the land of the free—it was an exciting idea! I grew up on John Wayne westerns and Clint
Eastwood action flicks and in them you could feel the cry of “U-S-A, U-S-A”
with every bullet, every line, every symbolic nod to the old stars and stripes.
Lately however, I cringe for each piece of unbelievable
rubbish that passes for American news.
Between stories on Kim Kardashian’s ass, rhetoric from the
bible-belt-of-America’s god-squad and Fox’s idiocracy on scandals like “Cupgate”… I just don’t want to hear anymore. I had
recently reached a point where I thought that I had heard all of the dumbest
things that America could possibly say or do.
Alas, I was wrong:
America, you have changed your international image from a great
nation, to that of a sad old drunk guy at a frat party. You know the one. He’s that guy who used to mean something and
now attempts to relive his glory days by falling on his ass doing failed keg
stands, screaming “Murica”, and then making a pass through bleary eyes at a pot
plant.
I want to be clear, I am not American—I’m Australian, and I
do believe that dumb shit is universal.
I make no claims that Australia does not have its fair share of making
the news as a result of just plain stupidity, I mean… have you seen Tony
Abbot our democratically elected 'leader'? Ignore for a moment that he admits he is not the "suppository of all knowledge", the fact that a majority voted him speaks volumes about our own nation's problems. But we’re also not standing tall and proud, claiming to be
the leaders of “The Free World”, while wearing the media perception equivalent
of a ‘kick me’ sign.
There was a time where the American Dream was the chance to
make something of yourself out of nothing.
But that success was built on hard
work, vision, and dedication.
America is still about that dream, the idea that it is a nation of
opportunity. But now, it sues people—
For dumb shit.
Performed by dumber people.
And they’re winning…
The Australian legal system also has its flaws. In Australia you can basically break a
contract and giggle; I know, I’ve tried to sue someone. My lawyers explained that the breach was
clear, that in America we’d form a class action and retire rich on our
millions. But as we were in Australia,
my cost to get in the courtroom would be $50k; and the most likely payout
figure? $120.
In America I can spill a coffee on myself and get rich,
because apparently, it’s not obvious that coffee is hot.
Or sue a bank because I injured myself while stealing copper
pipe from a house they foreclosed on.
…Or apparently believe that Red Bull has any benefits
outside of being awesome when mixed with Jagermeister.
I’m struggling with this mentality because I have yet to meet an American I didn’t like. Every single one I’ve ever met has been kind
or courteous, or failing that, outgoing and just funny as balls. But clearly a section of the country has the
IQ of a can of Bud Light—Extra, Extra Light. So please… stop rewarding your nation's mentally challenged
for performing actions that anyone with a lick of sense knows is ill-advised.
Stop handing out prizes for participation.
Do not hand people honorary degrees. Go back to letting people earn things; because right now
you’re not promoting the American dream, you’re undermining it.
And the next time someone is too stupid to know that it’s a poor
choice to put their penis on a saw bench, don’t listen when they say the saw didn’t
specify not to do so. Please don’t pay them when they sue. Instead, merely thank
them for removing their ability to breed, and move on. Otherwise you are stopping nature’s ability
to strengthen the herd by removing inferior members of the species.
Oh and please don’t ask us for advice on how to fix your
legal system until the next election. With
our current leadership, it would just turn into a case of the blind leading the
blind.
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