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Is your penis your greatest social handicap?

How do you meet people you DON'T want to have sex with?


Penises are the world’s greatest social handicap.

By the time you’re in your mid-thirties you better have all your friends sorted out because being approached by a guy you don’t know is received in the same light as a phone call from a telemarketer. 

When telemarketers call, unless you are specifically dying from cancer, and they are specifically selling the cure to cancer, your first reaction is to hand the phone to the closest four year old with the explanation that Santa is on the phone and wants to know what they want for Christmas  tell them to fuck off.

Penises may be a man’s most treasured asset but eventually they become your greatest social roadblock.  Why? Because by the time you've made it to your thirties, everyone’s been approached by a penis with a human mouthpiece. As a young guy I had no idea how rigidly the system was set towards “Guys approach girls for sex, and just sex...”  I had no idea, because I was that guy who only approached girls for sex.  It wasn't until I stopped approaching anyone for sex that I came to realise, this is all anyone expects from men, and we've probably made our own bed there.

Eventually we all grow too far apart from our high school friends. You settle down with someone special and odds are she hates your friends or you when you're with them, so you compromise. A "night out with the boys" moves from daily, to weekends, to monthly to something you try really hard to schedule annually.  You all have kids and between birthdays, and school events, even that annual event becomes impossible. You drift further and further until you barely recognise your friends or yourself with them.  Your conversations turn awkward and end in "we should do this again sometime..." but secretly, you're both hoping you don't.

One day your 'guy' friends are gone.  They have their own lives and so do you.

So you make couple friends. But you know what couple friends are useless at?  Everything that doesn’t involve hanging out as a couple. It is a real life necessity of every man that sometimes you just need to go fishing-

-and by fishing I mean drinking heavily in remote locations speaking about things that should never be said in front of the person you love.

Unfortunately you can't go back to your old friends because too much water has passed under the bridge. They're not 'old friends' any more, they feel like strangers.  You can't get back what has passed and anything new with them would be tainted by your history. 

So how do you meet new people, especially guys?

Initially I tried to meet people at bars because this was the scene I had the most experience with.  Big mistake.  All my conversations went like this:

*Approach a girl*
“Hi my name’s-“
“I have a boyfriend.”
“That’s cool I ju-”
“I said no.”

*Approach a guy*
“Hey man how about-”
“Sorry bro, I’m straight.”
“That’s cool I just-”
“Look I don’t have a problem with gays, but you need to back off. No means no.”

Damn penis. 

I tried making friends at parties.  Approaching people one on one produced the same problems as bars, just more slowly and awkwardly.  My solution to this was to stand out in the crowd, which I have no problem doing.  I am my own personal walking advertisement for 'hey look at me' in any social situation.  There is one problem... 

Large groups of people that I don’t know make me nervous and I cover for my nerves with jokes—lots, of jokes.  I am insanely outgoing, but odd, so I try really hard to make little notes to myself like: “Don’t scare the normals, let them get used to you before unleashing your DAN-isms.”  Ultimately I find the only way to relax is to drink copious amounts of bourbon, or vodka or… pretty much anything that is within reach really. Alcohol erodes all of my abilities to distinguish between the jokes that gets the ‘HAHAHAHA!’ and the joke that just ends in awkward silence or people mumbling ‘too far man, too far’.

The other dilemma is… I'm kind of particular about who I hang out with.

I am massively forgiving of women but most men wordlessly annoy me.  I tend to get along really well with cops, and soldiers, or people who grew up in The Bronx (I've only met one person from The Bronx).  Most guys I meet make me want to scratch my own eyeballs out and it’s for the worst reason imaginable… 

I just think they’re not… men.

I know. That’s awful, and archaic, and I preach against that kind of thing.  But I grew up real poor while being punched in the face, or punching people in the face for things I believed in and when I hang out with guys who have never been in those shoes, who've never had to struggle, I just can’t relate to them on a human level.  I have lots of female friends and I feel very blessed that when a series of the ladies get together I am often also the only guy to be invited to be one of the girls.  But it has left me with something of a riddle:

How do you meet guys if you want to buy them a drink or ten, but not fuck them?  Am I the only guy that feels this way?

Got thoughts or suggestions?  Is this something you've experienced or have you experienced something similar? Shoot me a comment below or send me a message on Facebook:

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