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The Daily Recap: New Years!


That moment where you realise the meme you downloaded has a typo... but you can't be bothered doing anything about it

The Daily Recap: Dec 31, 2014


Scientology's marketing may need to come with a tutorial or guide


OH!-pinions

As an atheist, I find people dissing Scientology to be fascinating because the people cussing out scientology are normally people who follow another religion which leaves me with thoughts like:

The group of people who believe beings came from space via a space ship to start their religion are considered to be weird... But the group of people who believe that a guy came from heaven (via virgin birth) to start their religion, are normal? 

Huh?

The Daily Recap - Dec 30, 2014


A slow return to blogging

The Daily Recap: Dec 30, 2014

Vaginas - not the best place to hide your crack


Weird news

There's a joke in here somewhere about putting crack in your crack, but that might be confused for buttcrack, so let's leave that one alone.

April Rollison died one week after being admitted to a Florida Jail.  Polk Count Jail found a glass crack pipe and bottle in her vagina during a full body cavity search and had her admitted to Bartow Regional Medical Centre to have it safely removed.  Unfortunately it looks like the staff at both centres didn't... er... delve deep enough, because when April was returned to jail she became ill and eventually died a week later.  How?

A post mortem autopsy revealed that she had methamphetamine, cocaine and marijuana in her system.

On a side note, that may be the most fun-time vagina ever made #AMIRIGHT?

An investigation showed traces of cocaine on the floor at the hospital and investigators theorise that April had the rest of the stash in her lady-hidey-hole, which after being given a moment of privacy to use a bedpan, she consumed (er the drugs, not her lady- ... Nevermind).

The lesson I take from this is less "Don't do drugs kids" and more "don't do all your drugs at once, kids" also, the reason I can't find Waldo in all those Where's Waldo? books is because he's probably been hiding in April's vagina this whole time and having a hell of a party while he was there.

Source


2014's Best News Bloopers


In another addition to the best of collections, here is the best of 2014's news bloopers.

Christmas break-ish


^^ So this pic roughly sums up my Christmas celebratory day, so in short, no posts today.  Be good, be safe, love each other and don't beat any of your family members.

Dan

The Daily Recap: Christmas day


The Daily Recap: Christmas day


Baby wombat = awwww



CUTE news

Believe it or not this wombat is still a baby, wombats get pretty huge.

Want to smile awkwardly with a large round of the "aaaawww's"?  Follow DAN-isms.com on Twitter, Facebook or Google plus via the follow links on right hand menu.

Woman tricks theives into stealing poop


Weird news

Andrea Hutzler had reached the end of her tether.  The DC based woman was sick and tired of having packages stolen from her doorstep, an act that was not stopped by calling the police or setting up surveillance cams, so she decided that she would get the last laugh thanks to the help of her pet dogs.

The Daily Recap: Wednesday


Late recap today, apologies - lot's of work.

The Daily Recap: Wednesday


Baby tries cake for the first time


CUTE news

Watch a baby try cake for the very first time - warning, contains serious amounts of 'lol' and 'Awww'.

Want to smile awkwardly with a large round of the "aaaawww's"?  Follow DAN-isms.com on Twitter, Facebook or Google plus via the follow links on right hand menu.

USA bitchslaps North Korea's Internet but not really *wink wink*


OH!-pinions

"U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S— eh?"  

You know what's exciting? Watching two nuclear armed nations give each other wedgies.

As I live in Austral-Asia the idea of being within the vicinity of North Korea right now feels about as much fun as sitting on a bicycle without a seat and then being forced to ride over miles of cattle grid. Mind you when one nutjob running a country decides to pick a fight with an even bigger nutjob running a country (I'll let you decide who's who in that statement) and they both have nukes I don't suppose it really matters where you live in the grandscheme of things, except, oh yeah North Korea has previously released statements that while it's current long range missle armaments cannot hit America they can hit their allies such as Japean and oh - Australia, specifically, Queensland where I live.

But by all means guys, continue your international dick measuring competition.

In case you've been missing the saga, a movie called 'The Interview' was released, it's a comedy that pokes fun at North Korea and it's leader and North Korea in turn did exactly what was expected which was lose its shit.  In turn Sony, the crowd behind the movie, was hacked and sensitive documents released.  The FBI later confirmed that yes it did indeed have evidence that North Korea was behind what could be described as an international-world-power version of a spitball.

This morning we get this, "North Korea struggles to stay online", Which is the world power equivelent of being dacked in front of all the other countries.

Now mind you, America isn't saying "anything you can do I can do better" by pointing out that it knocked out the internet capability of an entire nation. North Korea is just 'co-incidentally' having a series of national internet outage issues after the FBI found evidence that NK screwed with one it's corporations...  Which leaves North Korea in this position:

  1. Deny everything.  North Korea walks around with it's pants around it's ankles and essentially releases a statement that America was in no way responsible for the internet 'pants-dropping' incident, that in fact North Korea is starting a new fashion trend called "Pants-Off Friday Everyday."  In other words, the internet outage was a deliberate act to boost national productivity.  All hail Kim Jong-un and his wisdom.
  2. Save Face.  North Korea admits that "yes" America did in fact dack North Korea but only because that was it's plan all along, so it could show what a monsterous bully-world-power USA really is.  After all, it was only responding to being called a Fatty-McFatty by Uncle Sam a movie that clearly promoted the assassination of its leader and how is responding to that a bad thing?
  3. Retaliation-Light.  North Korea quietly writes angry words in it's diary about the bully "American pig dogs" but decides not to yell loudly to save face.  It launches a series of quiet retalitory cyber attacks, if not against America, then it's allies.  Also calls it's cousin China and asks if it wants to throw some hackers in the mix.  China says it's going clubbing and doesn't have time to help but probably buys Kim a new uber-hardcore PC with which to retaliate.
  4. Armageddon.  Kim decides to bring a gun to school and make sure he's never dacked again. North Korea may not win, but everybody loses. Oh, and nukes are launched.
Some might argue that there are another couple options like 'posturing' where North Korea points missles at South Korea or something, a move sometimes also called 'stompy-mcstomp-my-feet' or it could go "Retaliation-Heavy" where it does send a non-nuke military response or even 9/11 terror style attacks to make a point... but let's face facts North Korea doesn't have the military to stand toe-to-toe with America and everyone knows it and for that same reason everyone will recognise posturing, as posturing.  When you're the crazy little guy who knows he's outgunned and outmatched and you can't take it anymore, what do you do?  

Personally I'm praying for a "deny everything" response from North Korea but seeing as Sony plans to still release the movie online via streaming services, I don't think this is the end of this story.

Fish F*cking video hits the internet


Weird news

In further proof that guys will literally fuck anything if given the chance, the internet has spewed out the next level of wierd in a video called "two guys, one fish".  Yeah.  This is an absolutely real video of two teen amatuer boys waist deep in water with one of them with his penis in a fishes mouth as it tries to wiggle down on his member and another lad helping him stroke it back and forth, because... reasons.

If for some reason that sounds like something you want to watch, a link to the source article is below and it contains a link to the video.

Ah internet, Rule 28 strikes again.

Source


The Daily Recap: Tuesday


The Daily Recap: Tuesday

Cute news: Cuddly owls



CUTE news

An owl recieving scratches looking pretty happy about it.

Want to smile awkwardly with a large round of the "aaaawww's"?  Follow DAN-isms.com on Twitter, Facebook or Google plus via the follow links on right hand menu.

Lady-Teach fired after stuffing students in car boot during snack run


Weird news

Well Middle School fired one it's Math teachers (Heather Cagle) after she thought it was a good idea to help her kids ditch school and take them on a trip to the local Wal-Mart to get snacks. But wait, it gets better!

It would appear that heather didn't exactly plan out this caper as her sedan didn't really have the room required to transport eleven children aged twelve to fifteen, plus an adult driver, so Heather did what any person open to thinking 'outside-of-the-box' would do - she placed two kids in the front seat, seven in the back but still had a few left over.  What did she do with those kids...?

She put the extra's in the boot of her car.

*open sarcastica font*
"Er Mrs Cagle, I don't know how long we can breath in here?  There are no air holes..."
"That's ok kids, practice your equations out loud.  Not only will your math improve but if you stop counting I know to pull over and pop the boot for a second."
*close font*

While the trip only left the kids in her boot for a couple minutes it's not something her bosses were particularly thrilled with, arguing that it was dangerous practice involving minors and accordingly terminated her employment.

I personally find this whole story amusing, but imagine how you'd feel if the title instead read 'Male Teacher stuffs minors into boot of car..."

Source

The Daily Recap: Monday



The Daily Recap: Monday

Cute news: Clumsy baby elements


CUTE news

This is no way relevant to anything.  I just like watching baby elephants.

Want to smile awkwardly with a large round of the "aaaawww's"?  Follow DAN-isms.com on Twitter, Facebook or Google plus via the follow links on right hand menu.

Wierd news: 27 year old woman repeatedly slaps 72 year old woman because... Facebook?


Weird news

When I first saw this story I thought it was a typo because the attacker was 27 and the victim was 72 but apparently that age difference is spot on.

Tampa Bay Times reports that deputies arrested Rachel Anne Hayes for aggravated battery after the elderly woman would not accept her Facebook request.  The victim felt that Rachel's facebook name was inapropriate (no report of the actual FB name) and would not accept the request unless she changed her name.  This led to a disagreement between the two women  causing Rachel to leave only to return later and enter into a physical altracation on the thresh hold of the elderly woman's home during which the young woman struck the older woman several times before she was able flee and lock herself in her home.

Personally I'm just grateful this isn't a dispute over Farmville, cause that shit gets reeeeal.

Source.










The Daily Recap: Thursday


The Daily Recap: Thursday

8 year old boy raises $1 million to find a cure


CUTE news

Story via SourceFed


When Dylan Siegel was 6, his best friend, Jonah Pournazarian, was diagnosed with GSD 1b, a currently incurable liver condition, Dylan decided to do something about it.

School takes away blind kids cane and replaces it with a pool noodle


Weird news

So in wierd news today we have this little gem.  A North Kansas City School took away a blind kids cane and replaced it with a with a pool noodle because he 'attacked' someone with his seeing eye cane. The move was to provent 8 year-old Dakota Nafzinger from hurting himself and others afer he allegedly hit someone with his seeing-eye-cane.

Cause a pool noodle works just as well as a specifically-designed-for-blind-people cane #AmIright?