Article Navigation

USA bitchslaps North Korea's Internet but not really *wink wink*


"U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S— eh?"  

You know what's exciting? Watching two nuclear armed nations give each other wedgies.

As I live in Austral-Asia the idea of being within the vicinity of North Korea right now feels about as much fun as sitting on a bicycle without a seat and then being forced to ride over miles of cattle grid. Mind you when one nutjob running a country decides to pick a fight with an even bigger nutjob running a country (I'll let you decide who's who in that statement) and they both have nukes I don't suppose it really matters where you live in the grandscheme of things, except, oh yeah North Korea has previously released statements that while it's current long range missle armaments cannot hit America they can hit their allies such as Japean and oh - Australia, specifically, Queensland where I live.

But by all means guys, continue your international dick measuring competition.

In case you've been missing the saga, a movie called 'The Interview' was released, it's a comedy that pokes fun at North Korea and it's leader and North Korea in turn did exactly what was expected which was lose its shit.  In turn Sony, the crowd behind the movie, was hacked and sensitive documents released.  The FBI later confirmed that yes it did indeed have evidence that North Korea was behind what could be described as an international-world-power version of a spitball.

This morning we get this, "North Korea struggles to stay online", Which is the world power equivelent of being dacked in front of all the other countries.

Now mind you, America isn't saying "anything you can do I can do better" by pointing out that it knocked out the internet capability of an entire nation. North Korea is just 'co-incidentally' having a series of national internet outage issues after the FBI found evidence that NK screwed with one it's corporations...  Which leaves North Korea in this position:

  1. Deny everything.  North Korea walks around with it's pants around it's ankles and essentially releases a statement that America was in no way responsible for the internet 'pants-dropping' incident, that in fact North Korea is starting a new fashion trend called "Pants-Off Friday Everyday."  In other words, the internet outage was a deliberate act to boost national productivity.  All hail Kim Jong-un and his wisdom.
  2. Save Face.  North Korea admits that "yes" America did in fact dack North Korea but only because that was it's plan all along, so it could show what a monsterous bully-world-power USA really is.  After all, it was only responding to being called a Fatty-McFatty by Uncle Sam a movie that clearly promoted the assassination of its leader and how is responding to that a bad thing?
  3. Retaliation-Light.  North Korea quietly writes angry words in it's diary about the bully "American pig dogs" but decides not to yell loudly to save face.  It launches a series of quiet retalitory cyber attacks, if not against America, then it's allies.  Also calls it's cousin China and asks if it wants to throw some hackers in the mix.  China says it's going clubbing and doesn't have time to help but probably buys Kim a new uber-hardcore PC with which to retaliate.
  4. Armageddon.  Kim decides to bring a gun to school and make sure he's never dacked again. North Korea may not win, but everybody loses. Oh, and nukes are launched.
Some might argue that there are another couple options like 'posturing' where North Korea points missles at South Korea or something, a move sometimes also called 'stompy-mcstomp-my-feet' or it could go "Retaliation-Heavy" where it does send a non-nuke military response or even 9/11 terror style attacks to make a point... but let's face facts North Korea doesn't have the military to stand toe-to-toe with America and everyone knows it and for that same reason everyone will recognise posturing, as posturing.  When you're the crazy little guy who knows he's outgunned and outmatched and you can't take it anymore, what do you do?  

Personally I'm praying for a "deny everything" response from North Korea but seeing as Sony plans to still release the movie online via streaming services, I don't think this is the end of this story.

No comments:

Post a Comment